tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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