I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
