forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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