You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
