i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
