I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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