my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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