This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
