this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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