Im at strip club and am horny
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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