You can't special order awesome
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
