I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
