Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
