MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize