I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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