the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
