Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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