is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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