the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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