Plan B is the new Plan A
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
