Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
