Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Let's get the cat blown out
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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