Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize