I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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