Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
