Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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