She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish i was in the wii world.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
