the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
