someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think your dad took our porno
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
