DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
