I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
