yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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