What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
