apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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