Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
