I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
