Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Every concussion has its silver lining
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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