I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
