she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
