Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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