At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize