just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
