Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
