I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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