I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
