She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
