Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize