I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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