strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
