i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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