Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
