Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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