hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They have beer where we have blood.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
