I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
