what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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