Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
