I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
