So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
