1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
