Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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