You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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