If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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